Why I Stayed Silent About My Childhood Abuse for So Long

My silence after childhood abuse wasn’t a choice. It was something I felt like I needed to do based on what I experienced as a child.

My abuse happened when I was in elementary school and I didn’t open up about it for around 10 years. During this period, I had to navigate this experience on my own. 10 years of constantly replaying memories. From the childhood excitement of having a secret that felt special and private, to then wondering if anyone knew about it. Questioning why I didn’t stop it or tell someone sooner. And eventually spiralling. What started as me believing I was playing a “game” eventually became something I understood very differently. Somewhere along the way, I started believing something that wasn’t true: that the abuse was my fault.

The reason I stayed silent about my childhood abuse changed over the course of those 10 years. What started off as me staying silent because I was excited to hold a secret turned into me staying silent because I was embarrassed. Looking back today, I view and understand my silence differently. Rather than feeling like “I chose not to tell,” I now see it as “I didn’t feel able to tell.” I see my silence as a way to survive something overwhelming that I didn’t have the words to explain myself.

Content note: This post discusses my personal experience with childhood abuse, including themes of trauma, fear, shame, and self-blame. Some parts may be difficult or triggering to read. Please take care of yourself while reading and feel free to step away if you need to.

In This POST, I REFLECT ON:

• Why I stayed silent as a child
• Why I stayed silent as I got older
• Why I see my silence differently now
• What I understand about my silence today

Why I Stayed Silent as a Child

I Thought the Secret Was Something Special

During my abuse, I was constantly fed the idea that this ‘experience’ was something I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my parents. I heard so often that if I told anyone, this would end. I was also groomed into believing this was something I wanted. In my child’s mind, I didn’t want ‘something I wanted’ to end. So I kept it a secret, and parts of me felt excited over the idea that there was this thing that no one else in this world knew aside from me and one other person. After all, he was someone I knew and trusted so he would keep me safe right?

Looking back, the excitement wasn’t about what was happening to me. I was a child who had been made to believe I was sharing a special secret with someone I trusted. I was excited about having something that felt like it was shared only between the two of us. But I didn’t understand what that secret actually meant.

I Was Afraid of What Would Happen If I Spoke Up

There were infrequent moments when thoughts like “Why is he always telling me not to tell anyone? Am I doing something bad?” would appear in my mind. However, any part of me that questioned this experience was quickly dismissed by my fear of what would happen if my doubts were right and my parents found out.

Growing up, I always felt like I was in trouble for everything. I grew up believing that unless I got good grades, was well behaved, and didn’t talk back, there was always something to get in trouble for. My body became hyperaware of my surroundings and I did whatever I could to avoid conflict. Because of this, any part of me that had the slightest doubt was ignored because I thought I would get in trouble for it. The same skills that helped me function in childhood made speaking up feel impossible.

I always knew I had these conflicting feelings, but I didn’t know how to express them because they were so confusing and unclear.

Why I Stayed Silent as I Got Older

When My Doubts Turned Into Self-Blame

As I grew older and after the abuse stopped, these infrequent doubts became louder and more frequent. I began to realize that my experience wasn’t normal. It was actually so messed up. It took me a long time to even admit to myself what happened was abuse, something I wrote more about in Why It Took Me So Long to Admit It Was Abuse. I began replaying memories in my head over and over, eventually becoming stuck in “what if” thoughts.

• What if I had just told one person?
• What if my parents had come home early one day and stopped it?
• What if I had listened to the doubts I had as a child and told my parents?

Over time, these “what if” thoughts turned from hypothetical questions into self-blame and shame, where I truly believed I did something wrong. I didn’t blame my abuser, I blamed myself.

I Was Too Embarrassed to Tell Anyone

At this time, if I had to pick one reason why I continued to stay silent about my abuse, it was: Embarrassment.

I was embarrassed that this experience had continued for as long as it did. I was embarrassed that people would blame me for the abuse, when I was already blaming myself. Would people judge me for this? I was embarrassed for “not knowing better.” I thought if people knew, their perception of me would change from one of a role model to someone who is “disgusting”. That wasn’t how I actually was, but it was how shame had taught me to see myself. So, I felt like I had to hide this experience.

I began to suppress all memories of my childhood over time in an effort to forget about this abuse. Looking back, I can recognize some of the ways childhood trauma followed me into adulthood. I even believed that if I acted normal around my abuser, I would be able to trick myself into forgetting this part of my life. So that’s what I did. I continued to talk to him in group settings. Asking how he was. Having small, casual conversations. I did all this while continuing to blame myself for this trauma. Looking back, I used my ability to act normal as another reason to blame myself. As if behaving normally meant I must have been okay with what happened.

Why I See My Silence Differently Now

I Was Looking at Little Me Through an Adult’s Eyes

What I realized over time was

• As a child, I experienced what was happening through the limited understanding, fear, and confusion of a child.
• As an adult, I looked backward with an adult’s understanding and judged my childhood self for not knowing what I know now.

What I should have been doing, and what I practice as an adult today, is looking at my childhood experience from the perspective of a child. Instead, I was looking at my childhood actions through the lens of an adult, rather than understanding them as the actions of a child.

I Started Seeing Her as a Child Again

When I look at my childhood trauma from the lens of “little me,” I’m not embarrassed. How can a girl that young be expected to fully comprehend right from wrong? Her biggest worry at the time was not being able to go to the park that day. How could I expect her to know exactly what she should have done in a complex situation she was never taught how to navigate? Even if she had been taught about what was happening, she was still a child trying to process something incredibly complex. She should never have been responsible for knowing how to handle it.

I have children now. The only responsibility they have is to be a kid. That’s it. Nothing else. They shouldn’t, and will never be expected to take responsibility for an adult’s actions. Their childhood actions should also never be viewed or judged as if they are an adult.

Now I don’t blame myself for feeling embarrassed. I was trying to process my trauma in any way I could and embarrassment seemed to fit at the time. I hadn’t begun healing, I didn’t have much of a support system, and also came from a childhood where self-blame was normal. Embarrassment made sense. Now, I realize that embarrassment doesn’t place blame on me. It’s something I learned and grew from. Most importantly, it helped me realize how much my perspective has changed.

What I Understand About My Silence Today

If you were to ask me today why I stayed silent for so long, I would say it’s because I was a child whose mind and body were doing the best they could to survive such a traumatic experience. I would say that I didn’t know how to do anything differently because I had never been taught what to do. I had never been made to feel safe enough to speak up.

It felt like I couldn’t have a voice.

Because I was a child, I didn’t have the understanding, language, or perspective to make sense of such a complex experience or know what I was supposed to do with it. I was doing exactly what I was taught: trusting my elders to protect me, including my abuser. If you relate to my story, please know that your silence doesn’t make you responsible.

Yes, there are still days where I think back to my abuse and have “what if” thoughts or naturally move toward self-blame. These thoughts still come up sometimes as I heal. I still wonder what things could have looked like if I had changed one variable.

Do I still wish I spoke up? Yes, I do. But I’m able to acknowledge this without blaming my younger self for not doing so. I now understand that it was never up to me to change that variable. It was never my responsibility to create or change my childhood. And just understanding that to my core provides me with a level of peace that overpowers any self-blame.