I want to paint you a picture of what I believed my healing journey would look like. I was at a point in my life where I had hit an all-time low. There was this constant pit in my stomach that never went away. I felt like a shell of myself. I had no purpose. No passions. No hope. I constantly told myself that one day soon, I would no longer be here, and only then would I feel better.
But then something happened. Something completely unrelated to me occurred, and something in me shifted. It was the first time that I ever acknowledged I needed help, and it was the first time I actively wanted to heal.
Once I came to this realization, I started dreaming of all the ways my healing journey would go. I thought I would be more social. Feel lighter. I would forget about my trauma completely. And I truly believed that I would have this big realization moment where I would think to myself, “Wow, I’m finally healed.”
Now don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that I believed the second I said out loud that I wanted to heal, everything would change overnight. The reason I was afraid to start my healing journey to begin with was because I was afraid I would have to relive all the painful memories that I worked so hard to suppress. And I wasn’t ready to do that yet. It scared me.
But what I did believe was that once I got through the hard parts of reliving my trauma, healing would happen immediately. That I would hit this final destination of “healed.” And boy oh boy was I wrong.
Content Note: This post discusses childhood trauma, abuse, and past thoughts of not wanting to be alive. Please take care of yourself while reading and step away if the content becomes overwhelming. This post reflects my personal experience and isn’t intended to replace professional mental health support.
I Didn’t Realize How Much Work Healing Would Require
Something I truly didn’t expect was how much work I would personally need to do through my healing journey. I thought if I went to therapy, I would fill my therapist in on my situation and she would then tell me everything I needed to heal. And it would be done.
Not only did I eventually need to relive my past in as much detail as I was comfortable with, I also needed to actively work on changing patterns I didn’t know were caused by trauma. I thought because I was a child, it wouldn’t have much of an impact on me. Little did I know, many of the patterns I still carry today were connected to what I had been carrying as a child.
I didn’t realize how many harsh truths I would also need to face. Harsh truths about my childhood. My parents. Even myself. I had to work on my relationship with my parents and the resentment I held towards them. Work on my own unhealthy patterns including overthinking, control, and persistent self-blame. I even had to learn to look at my experience through a different lens. It felt unfair to me that even though I didn’t cause my trauma, I was responsible for healing from all of its impacts.
The biggest thing that I had to work on was self-compassion. I didn’t realize how hard I was on myself, nor how self-sabotaging I was. I had to learn to love myself. To trust myself again. To find my self-worth. And it took a lot of work. After years and years of beating myself down, I had to spend even more time bringing myself back up.
And through all the work, I didn’t notice the moment it started paying off.
I Didn’t Realize I Was Healing Until I Looked Back
For me, there was no big, dramatic moment where I realized I was healed. Healing for me was so subtle that I didn’t even realize that it was happening. I started noticing it in small moments.
- I was able to talk openly about my abuse without crying
- I was comfortable saying out loud that I was abused without feeling shame over it
- Blame shifted from myself to my abuser
- I was able to tell my parents I was going to therapy without caring about their opinions on it
- I was able to be alone with my thoughts
- The intrusive thoughts that used to send me into a spiral didn’t anymore
- My trauma stopped controlling my life
It was only when I looked at my past from where I stood in the present that I realized how far I’d come.
I’ve Stopped Seeing Healing as a Final Destination
I’ve realized that healing for me will be a part of my journey for the rest of my life. I don’t see it as a final destination. And I’ve learned to be okay with that. To find comfort in that.
I’ve been on this journey for about 5 years now and I’ve realized that it looks completely different to what I thought it would.
- I have more days where my childhood trauma impacts my life than I thought it would
- I find myself thinking about my past more than I thought I would
- I find myself still retreating back to the same trauma responses even though I’m aware of them
I’m becoming more self-aware of my patterns every day. Understanding that having an old response doesn’t erase any of the progress I’ve made. I’m making connections between my present and my past that I’ve never made before. The more I learn, the more I realize how deeply rooted my trauma is. And it’s helped me realize how much more I need to heal from.
This journey is something I’m going to have to keep working through, slowly chipping away at any unhealthy patterns I have. And that’s totally okay with me. I don’t want to be perfect, and I don’t need it to be immediate. That just creates incredibly high standards. I just want to be trying.
I Finally See a Future Beyond My Abuse
Today, everything is just lighter. Happier. I’m a completely different person. The things that used to send me into spirals don’t anymore. They still bother me, but I don’t feel crippled by them. All that matters to me is that right now, I’m in a happy, content place. I know there’s still a lot of work to be done, but I have the rest of my life to work through it slowly.
Today, I truly see a future for myself beyond my abuse.
